Written by Maureen & Sis
I can remember only having 2 real bosses in my life. One I can say I feel mehh about…you know just really blazze about him. Don’t really like him and don’t really hate him either aka. couldn’t care less whether he mistakenly ate mud and got infected with h.pylori concluding with an extended hospital period in the isolation department or whether he had a beautiful first born child that ended up being the real messiah and forgave me for all my sins thus far. Just simply don’t care about him.
Now the other boss I’ve had, i think I can safely say I hate. you know like real HATE a.k.a when he is speaking to me my mind thinks of all different ways that I could cleverly cause prolonged chronic cervical spinal pain and get away with it. I think you get the picture. I am going to give you examples of all of his qualities so you stop judging my latter statement and thinking of me as a to-be killer.
The pretentious pretend to care yet doesn’t give a shit about his employees boss:
“Good morning Viv! you look great today, how was your weekend?”… I respond by beginning to elaborate on what an exciting weekend I’ve had, now enthused to share it with, I turn forward to look at this motherfucker flipping through pages, texting on his Blackberry and all with an impatient look on his face… Pause. Did YOU not just ask me how my weekend was? I don’t recall coming here and asking YOU anything! Why ask if you don’t care? Just save us all the proceeding akwardities and DON’T ask. It doesn’t make you a better boss to ask, it makes you a pretentious one. Bloody!
The fake positive feedback underwritten with passive aggressive comments boss:
“Was it you who responded to this particular client in this way Viv?” Yes I respond, knowing that he knew perfectly well it was me since e-mail is one of those genius things that errmmm… LETS YOU KNOW WHO THE SENDER IS! GHHAH! “Well… ummm.. what exactly were you trying to say by this because it sounds completely uneducated and irresponsible. You must try and be more careful especially when doing these types of responses Viv. You represent us, remember that.”
@#$%^&%4!!!!!!! What happened to Obama’s teaching moments??? Is there no other way he could have said that to me so I could get more like perhaps WE MUST LEARN A BETTER WAY TO DO THAT? ass opposed to all this FEVER he was handing me??? The only things he has achieved by that are:
- a) Now I hate him even more
- b) I’ve lost any ounce of respect for him
- c) I’m tempted to enroll him on an HR course
- d) He’s confused me on exactly what I did wrong
- e) He has given me a reason to drink tonight… and should
Acts one way in front of me and a different way in front of a client boss:
“Why did you have to schedule this client for me now? I can’t stand anything about them they drive me crazy. This time I swear I’m going to tell them off when they come in” Enter Patient…”Oh Mr X, how nice to see you, you look great in fact I’ve been waiting for your visit eagerly” REALLY? Nuff said.
And seems that bosses INTERNATIONALLY sip the same asshole juice. Our research is starting to indicate that perhaps there is a seminar that they all go to converge and think of all these brilliant ways to piss us off… Canada, Uganda… They are all the same! We continue…
The completely denies any recollection of work that HE CLEARLY AUTHORIZED you to do boss:
“Maureen, instruct John to come up with an LPO. I’ve just received client’s approval so procurement can commence”… So I proceed to call up Finance and get things rolling. 2 days later a big parcel arrives at the office to be signed for. Boss proceeds to call me into the office… “Maureen, what is this? I didn’t authorize this? When did client even approve this? So you think that it’s OK to just brief finance because you feel like it? Do you think you run this place?” ERMMMMMMMMMMMM… LISTEN HERE YOU CRAZY ASSHOLE, DON’T COME WITH THE BULLSHIT ‘CAUSE YOU KNOW DAMN WELL YOU GAVE ME THE GO AHEAD!” *breathe* If only I had the balls to actually say that, but my paycheck is more important than me taking a stand right now. I don’t like him.
Tries to be cool “I’m your friend” boss then attempts to give you a lecture on taking work seriously boss:
So it’s a Friday night, weekends here, getting ready to hit those after-work drinks with all the friends that you haven’t seen during the week. “Where are you going tonight?” boss asks. “Oh just a couple places, you know the usual, here then there” I reply. “Oh OK, you might see me there”… Ermmm I’d rather not. So we leave work to go here, have drinks then end up there. And who do we find there? Boss. Boss who wants to break barriers and open the doors of friendship and not be seen as “Boss” anymore. So boss proceeds to buy copious amounts of alcohol for his employee, get completely plastered, I’m talking words-slurring, vision-blurring, nose-sweating mess. Eeww. Said Friday night ends up with employee putting boss in a cab and directing it home. Monday morning, Boss comes in giving me daggers like I shot the sheriff that happened to be his brother… I am summoned into his office and Boss proceeds to have the biggest go at me because I didn’t write a meeting report less than 2 hours after I had the meeting. ERMMMMMMMMMMMM… LISTEN HERE YOU CRAZY ASSHOLE, DON’T COME WITH THE BULLSHIT ‘CAUSE YOU KNOW I CAN EXPOSE YOU AND YOUR TRIFLING BUSINESS RIGHT NOW!” *breathe* If only I had the balls to actually say that, but my paycheck is more important than me taking a stand right now…
But One day. One day soon. Like that ridiculous women-proposing-to-men day, it will be employees-revenge-on-their-bosses-without-fear-of-getting-fired day! And on that day! We shall rise! We shall stand strong! We shall fight the fight! And we shall tell them where to shove it!