We will have to start with a very important caveat. No homo. I mean, yes this is a beauty contest featuring two rock bands instead of Desire and Grace and the cute one in the back from Obsessions, but that should not be taken the wrong way. This is totally scientific. I mean, if these women cannot figure it out using their eyes and their female hormones, we shall have to employ some other tactics, like science ones. Social science. Research and comparative approaches and all that stuff from that one lecture in Makerere.
In the end we hope to prove that we are smarter than those women who keep making jokes about us thinking with our small heads and being unable to multitask and also to prove which rock band is lamer. Then we shall hand the crown to the other one. Let us begin by introducing the contestants.
DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE
One of our judges had a problem with that. What follows is a transcript of the discussion.
-Death Cab For Cutie.
-Death Cab. For Cutie.
-That is the band’s name?
-Death Cab for What?
-Get the fuck out of here. That is not a real band name.
Following this discussion, even before the photos showed up, the band Death Cab For Cutie were penalised 20 points for having a dumb name.
Death Cab For Cutie was formed in 1997 in Washinton state USA, and now consists of four members. The band took its name from a 1967 song which, according to research, is about a cute chick who takes a taxi cab somewhere, until that taxi cab attempts to run a red light and ends up in a collision. The collision proves fatal for Cutie. The cab dies as well. Making it a death cab.
Now, Benjamin Gibbard of Bellingham, Washington was moving around listening to stuff one day in America when he was struck by the song Death Cab For Cutie and decided to make it a band. Four points were deducted here
for the name Gibbard. Four more for being “Gibbard of Bellingham” making it 28 points down.
Of course the fact that the song they got the name from was originally done by a band called Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band (for real. This is not a lie) has to cost them dearly, so they enter the contest with 62 points out of 100.
Now, let’s check out the competition:
KINGS OF LEON
Kings of Leon. No objection to the name, because our panel of judges agrees that it is a sensible name for a band to have, especially if they are from a place that is, or can be called, Leon.They don’t need to be royals themselves. They can just have active imaginations.
According to the research, whereas there actually were people called Kings of Leon, (a country called Leon was founded in 910AD on the Iberian Penisula) this band consists of four brothers, none of whom are Spanish. (Spain is where Iberia is, son.) They are the four American sons of a man named Leon Followill. They named their band after their dad, a gesture, we think, that shows respect for elders. The panel was inclined to award 10 points to the 100 per cent each contestant starts with.When it was revealed that Leon Followill was a preacher, the panel added another 14 points.
Kings Of Leon were formed in Nashville Tennessee, a place more famous for producing country music than rock bands, however. Some members of the panel hate country music.
“It’s all whiny whiny voices singing about dogs and beer and it’s so whiny!”
“Well, country music has Shania Twain.”
“Shania Twain! She’s so whiny!”
Fortunately the judges could not agree to penalise Kings Of Leon for country music.
So, that’s the bios and the intros.
Let’s take a look at the contestants.
We have a problem with this photograph of Death Cab For Cutie because it looks as if the four men are sharing a communal toilet. We are also concerned with the fact that all their heads are the same shape. So for communal crapping we remove eight points and for lack of variety in head shapes, we remove another 16 points. Death Cab For Cutie is down to 38 points. Depicted are is Ben Gibbard, Chris Walla, Nick Harmer and Jason McGerr. We have not managed to identify which one is which. This picture is used on the
cover of their CD “The Atlantic Was Born Today”.
Now, let’s take a look at Kings of Leon.
Eugh. Here we have the four Followill brothers photographed with a special “fish-eye” camera lens effect while, apparently, they were standing on a street corner waiting for their dealer to show up. The general emaciation of the band and the very dazed look in the eyes of the only fellow who is not hiding his eyes with sunglasses suggests the onset of withdrawal symptoms. I don’t think the dealer is coming. Nine points must be
deducted. Nine points each. Fiends. Crack is Wack!
Kings of Leon are down to 88 points when we learn that their biggest Kampala hit is called Sex on Fire. This causes moral indignation because we don’t think it is wise to play with fire and also because we don’t believe preacher’s kids should use genitals. We therefore deduct the 14 points we gave them for having a parent in the ministry, and further penalise them for burning their sexual partners. At the end of it, they have 54 points. Cheer up Kings of Leon fans. This still leaves your people in the lead.
If you see Bella and Joanna please inform them that Science has established that Kings of Leon are hotter, therefore, than Death Cab for Cutie.
kings of leon
by Kevin Kasule, Music editor of Urban Legend .