I hate our ads. Apart from those written by Streets and Erique. OTHERWISE, I REALLY HATE OUR ADS. They are that fly buzzing over your head as you take a dump (I detect a wince from the reader. Yes. That I how much I hate the ads.) They are that conductor who tells you that he has no change. They are that douchebag tea-lady who spills tea on you on Monday morning.
But I’m not here to complain. I’m here to bring you better things.
SLEEK ADS GALORE!
COOKING OIL AD
cccsssshhhhhhh-cooking sound…(ka ka ko ka-someone walking into kitchen)
Woman’s voice: mmmapph,yum yum,..I like that smell. Its smells so nice. So so nice! Jimmy..What are you using to cook your food?
Jimmy (briefly stops cooking): Imelda, I’m using xxx beer. It’s got ALL the flavor you need!
Dear listener, come and we keep your money. You come. Please you come. While you while your days away, worried about your net worth, we’ll take your money, use it, get rich and give you a tiny portion of what we make. We’ll go out of our way to put hot tellers at our counters to please your eyes. And your hands…NAT!! No touching at all…World Bank policy, though it’s not effected in the white house; (Whispers) come to think of it, that place needs a no smoking ban too. We shall have a smoking section for you in our bank as we dole out your portion of profit.
“Are u pregnant? You are? Are you sure? Does your man know about it? Speak louder…does he? He does not. Then how do you plan to raise the baby? Scratch that, it’s your business. Do you know Chaka Demus? Do you like his music? Do you think your baby’ll like his music? Not sure? Let’s find out…(dundu,duuundudu-Chaka Demus beat playing in the background)…Did u feel any movements in your general belly area? Or slightly lower? (discreet cough) or slightly higher?(clears throat)…or you felt nothing? Nothing?” Come for ante-natal checkup. This announcement is brought to you by Bono. And our government. In a collabo. One time!
You want rolex? (Picture of thin man, hand-on-cheek…) You sure you want rolex? Why do you want it? Is there a shortage of chips/beef in your area? Or do the chip seller’s slimy hands put you off? (PS: It can’t be ‘chips seller’s slimy hands’, too many s’s. We are lisp-sensitive here). How badly do you want our rolex? Our yummy rolex…non-crunchy, sumptuous, full-ofgood-things, mouth-drenching rolex…come get it! (Picture of formerly thin man now fat, scratching belly and walking with pomp with a bevy of giggling young ladies following him)…
Clarification: A rolex here refers to that mixture where they get a chapati and a fried egg and put them in a tight bundle together. And it’s sold to us to eat. We do not refer to that watch made by those Jamaicans. We’ve let you know. You can’t sue us.
By Sleekandwild < the writer DOES NOT work in an advertising department.
Look for more of his writings on sleekandwild.com>