Traveling in a bus is a piece of cake. All you to do is hail one , jump in , pay or not for some buses its optional and endure the trip. You don’t even have to know where you are going. But traveling in a bus comfortably is a whole new ball game. Trust me , i know.
SO instead of letting you suffer from ignorance and reluctance to call me for my expertise , i have decided to jot this down for posterity (Question to the vice chancellor; does this mean i am now published ? )
Step 1 : Know where you are going .
I know this seems obvious but its very important. Imagine you get onto a random bus and go anywhere. Movies may make it seem exciting but this is real life, that shit will get you killed or worse.
Step 2: Make sure the bus is going where you are going.
Again i will blame movies , imagine you are going to Timbuktu and end up in New Delhi . It may get you into “Slumdog millionaire” but you may miss the family rites that make you the new head of the new kingdom .
Step 3 : If everybody is getting onto a particular bus, don’t get onto it.
This prevents you from fighting for seats like rugby players who have been offered free porridge and also from paying too much .
Step 4: Say hi to the conductor.
You know that guy who is only interested in your money and stands at the door to the bus, yes him. Greet him, be polite, if need be , kiss his ass but only after you have worn the right shade of lipstick. This guy is the king in the bus. He can hook you up with a seat of his choice at any time. Key words: Seat of his choice!! Not yours. He may even give you a discount .
Step 5: Dress for the occasion.
Unless you are going to head into a high level business meeting as soon as you get off , dress down. For God’s sake , dress down . Dress down. There is gonna be alot of body to body contact of the nasty kind on the bus , your do just won’t last. Your clothes despite your best effort will be wrinkled and you will be looking like you have fought fate itself. Some random kid may even puke on you.
Step 6 : DON’T SIT NEAR A WOMAN WITH A KID.
This is very important. If its the only seat remaining in the bus, fake a phone call, get off and wait for the next one . If there is no other bus, walk . Trust me , you will go through hell because she will think that you are her baby sitter provided by the bus company . And the kid will think you are a garbage bin.
Step 7 : Mind the hip size.
If you have large hips, please don’t allow someone with bigger hips than yours to sit next to you. Make up an imaginary friend to prevent this. For Pete’s sake, if you are fat or big boned as Hagrid calls himself, don’t sit next to a near body clone. Look up your physics : like poles repel. GO ahead , REPEL!!!
Step 8 : Know the state of the road.
If the road you are gonna travel on is being rehabilitated , don’t choose a behind seat . Other wise your head and the roof will be french kissing every time the bus molests a hump.
Step 9 : Know your stop.
Tell the conductor well in advance where you want to be dropped off. See the bus is traveling at over 100kph , if its slow , and deceleration takes time and loads of space. The Driver needs to be coerced off the adrenaline rush of racing the wind.
Step 10 : Don’t sit next to the driver.
If you have illusions of drivers being responsible , respectful , observing traffic laws , DONT sit where you can see him do hie thing. This guy will talk on phone while cruising at 119 kph , take a long deep swallow from his soft drink (Thank God ) while negotiating a corner , bully mercilessly all other vehicles smaller than his on the road while listening to Gospel music … you get the picture. Ignorance is bliss.
You can thank me later , text me for my account details . of course this applies to people mainly traveling long distances .