Christ. That time of year again. Team building time.
This year the excuse was that we had to get to know the last remaining survivors of the unfortunate outfit that was swallowed up by the same corporate shark that ate our nice little company a few years ago. Retention bonus clawback clauses being about to run out, it was deemed time to meet our comrades in arms while they were still around to meet.
So met them we did. And what a meeting of minds. We all agreed that
- the Big Boss really is a prize twat
- team building events really are a fucking abysmal shudderathon
- management were mad to put us all together and think that we wouldn’t discover how much they’ve been lying to us
- the only way to save our sanity is to either adopt the bunker mentality, or leave
The organised events of the day are too horrible to recount at length. I’ll mention one, you can work out the rest: we were split into get-to-know-you-sized groups, each of which had to perform various risible and vomitworthy tasks throughout the morning. One of them was to have a photo taken of us jumping into the air. You know, like The Monkees: hey hey we’re the corporate fuckwits, having oodles of fun with our zany new colleagues. One big happy team, all having photogenic fun that can be slapped over the corporate intranet to prove how wonderful and benevolent our corporate masters are.
Actually I’m being a bit uncharitable. The rules stipulated that we had to have a group photo taken (with all members of the group present, presumably to prove that some of us hadn’t legged it to the pub for some much-needed anaesthetic) with our feet all off the ground at the same time.
Most folk went for the Monkees-style wacky leap, with predictably laughable results. The bosses naturally wanted to be seen to be literally flying through the air (because, as they keep telling us, ”if you believe in something strongly enough you can achieve anything” Yeah, right – I’d like to believe that I’ll get a pay rise before I die, but we all know how likely that is unless I quit this sorry outfit), so their photo was particularly cretinous.
Anyhow, for our group photo I steadfastly refused to leap about like a corporate prick. Eventually someone suggested that we just dangle off a branch of a tree, thereby fulfilling the photo criteria and also keeping our faces out of shot. Now that’s what I call teamwork.
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