The Interview

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Interview committee of serious chaps who have never laughed at a joke their entire life

It says here that your name is Sleek. Is that your real name?
Sleek: Well sir, if I may call you that, my folks, bless their souls, were an odd lot…they actually thought it’d make a cool name. And I agreed with them for a large part of my life. Till now that is (crack of a smile to ease the tension)
Googy, part of the committee , buffed up, hairy, sweating this early in the morning:Now the last guy in here said that he wanted this job as an excuse to get away from his nagging wife and screaming kids. Plus his mistress has become high maintenance. Why do you want this job?
Sleek: Well that guy read my mind…save for the part about the nagging wife. More like nagging housemate. I mean, it’s like this right, well she and I, we were friends then we kind of got busy…(wink wink) if you know what i mean…Trevor knows what I mean..oh, your name isn’t Trevor? Well it should be..you do look like a Trevor. Anyway, so we get busy and somehow she doesn’t leave in the morning..or the morning after that. And then her stuff grows legs and starts visiting..first it’s her hot friend, Jessica. Now I had no problem with that, since I really wanted to get with Jessica. Infact I almost did if the janitor had not walked in on us. Very very frustrating. Anyway, first her hot friend, then her toothbrush, then more lingerie walked in, then…I can’t remember whether her cat came in before her handbag collection. Anyway, I knew I was a gonner…I tried coming home with some other gals hoping they’d somehow shove her out, you know cat-fight style…never worked. And now the bills have started pilling up…yeah, so here I am, in need of a job. (remembering the script)…Also, I want it because of both the interesting challenge that it presents and my possession of a vast amount of skills, as my resume details; skills that make me very suitable for the position
‘Trevor’, part of the committee : Tell us a bit about yourself
Sleek: I am very self-driven, capable of working under minimum supervision, a great team player and when need arises, I do step up to the plate and be a great team leader. Also, I have no prison record. Clean as a whistle. Can you imagine Johnnie wanted to rat on me, send me to the coolers. See we had some stash, and we’d kinda like, you know, sniffed mosta it. Then Johnnie, the dweeb, he gets caught. And then he almost snitches. So I look him straight in his bloodshot eyes and say, “Hommie, you know I’ll get that job tomorrow. I got this interview man. I’ll get that job and sort you out man. Pay the poppos. But if we both in, then what?” Yes, I negotiated with him. I forgot to add that I am a great negotiator.So yes, he saw it my way and here I am to get the job, as I promised him.
Ciara, part of committee , not so hot: So it doesn’t say here what your hobbies are…What are they?
Sleek: I actually thought of adding those but then I figured, what kind of dwansy would want to know what my hobbies are? So i left them out…but I like going out to those dark clubs with lots of gals dancing on poles. Of course there aren’t many, and they aren’t entirely legal so I do not go out often. I’ll be doing your company work mosta the time…and by the way, my number is there on the resume, right next to my photo.We could go out you know, you and I…like after work.
Herman,part of committee, squeeky voice: So, how much do you hope to earn?
Sleek: Ah, great question…for a second there I was scared no one would ask. I kept thinking, what kind of geeks do an interview and do not ask that question. Lucky for you, I have a chart here showing the various earnings I am willing to let you pay me.(pulling it out and passing it around)…(gasps from committee )…Oh sorry, crazy me…that’s my Play magazine. Trevor, pass that here. Here is the chart. Glossy eh? I know, I am a sucker for detail…
Googy, part of the committee ,asked the first question: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Sleek: Again, lucky for you, I have that in easy-to-understand sh*t right here. Ah, what’s wrong with my language. It must be interview jitters. Yes, in five years…(pulls out paper)…here.(passing it round)…that car…people people(raising hands, mushy look in the eyes)…I outa be driving that car. Me and that ride, we’ll so get it on..we’ll….we’ll…
Security man,just walked in, not part of the committee : Is that your car parked in the general manager’s spot…
Sleek: Oh, about that…crap. You know ‘GM’s spot’ isn’t very defining…’GM’ could be anything…Ok guys, gotta run, move my car…are there any other questions before I leave? None?

Read More from the writer at sleekandwild.com

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