Bwoba onompa nga ompa, bwoba tompa nga ompa.


“As Wenger would put it; I didn’t see those 3 goals! Nuff said.” Paul Lumala’s facebook status. Jim Atamba Tugume meanwhile decided to quote one of football’s all time greats: “Some people think football is a matter of life and death, I assure you, it is more serious than that!” Well, that was the weekend for you in the Barclays English Premiership. BTW for those readers not equipped with the necessary lingo to read the title, don’t worry, its not a secret code of any sorts and neither is it the clue to where my secret stash is buried far away in the Caymans ( I guess its not so secret any more huh). Loosely translated it simply means: “If you are giving me, give me. If you are not giving me, give me!!’

Last I wrote I mentioned to watch out for John terry Vs Carlos Tevez. Little did I know that that so unlikeable Ashley Cole would also feature in this equation. 50 yards Tevez picks the ball up, he is faced by Terry n Cashely. He runs at them and what do they do?? They decide to backtrack and backtrack and backtrack until Tevez found the back of the net. In fact from the futuristic replays, one could see that they would have backtracked right into their own nets hadn’t Tevez decided to unleash that shot when he did. Of course like any other good son, 2 face Tevez (the batman n Robin one) dedicated the goal to his mother. Remember when I told you that City would have only 3 fit defenders available? Well it seems Vincent Kompany read that column bcoz the dude played he was 2 defenders. Kolo Toure was also Stellar enough. We all remember the world cup final when the Dutch decided to try and kick off the Spaniards’ legs, apparently Nigel De Jong felt in that mood once again. The brother tackled and tackled and tackled that its rumored Malouda cried. But unlike that fateful final night, all the tackles were legal!! He didn’t put a single foot wrong. Kwegamba Chelsea weren’t not going to give City their unbeaten record but they gave it.

30 minutes later at the Emirates stadium, in came Roberto De Matteo’s Westbromwich Albion. You could sense a thorough beating about to be served as a warm dish to them. Then they go and get themselves a penalty in the first half thanks to that oh so inspiring Almunia. But all was right with the world again when the said Almunia kubed the penalty. Just before the 2nd half started, we were treated to a picture of Cesc and Theo all so full of smiles and surprisingly suave I must say. Again my chief rumor monger claims they were looking at the baggies telling them: “Bwoba onompa nga ompa, bwoba tompa nga ompa.” At this point all they wanted to hear was De Matteo’s team reply mbu : “kale hajji tugenda tukabale akabimbi kafe.” (This time find a Muganda to translate am not being paid). Anyways as us mere mortals were waiting for the flood gates to open at the baggies’ goal, they instead opened at the gunners’ end. When Jerome Thomas breezed through the Arsenal to assist Peter Odemwengie’s tap in, I felt the nostalgia that the communist powers must have felt the moment the Japanese ill advisedly attacked Pearl Harbor. My brain went: “foolish baggies. This is the emirates you don’t score first against Arsenal at the Emirates. Damn you are now fried!!” A few minutes later, calamity Almunia was at it again. Bollocks, I thought. These kids can hold out for a draw. Moments later, all I could think was… Jesus, Joseph and Mary. Ice cold Tusker malt Lager and a big rib. Cranky cahones. Jerome Thomas scored the baggies’ third. Unbelievable, improbable, calamitous. Shocking endangered species. Beep beep beep. Out of words. The baggies might as well bloody win. Two Nasri goals later and the baggies had indeed won their first away game in 19 attempts. But for Arsenal it remains, dodgy keeper, full-backs beaten down the line, hesitant central defenders, no bite in midfield and a lightweight centre-forward. Of course we can blame the absence of Van Persie, cesc, theo et al et al.. But, last season they beat Everton 6-1, Celtic 2-0 and 3-1 and Portsmouth 4-1 – and then lost 2-1 at Old Trafford and 4-2 at Eastlands. And it was off down the slippery slope again. The season before it was four against FC Twente and Blackburn, six against Portsmouth… only for Hull to win 2-1 at The Emirates. Back came Arsenal with another four against Portsmouth and five against Fenerbahce. Then defeats by Stoke, Aston Villa and Manchester City. Bwoba tompa nga ompa.

Meanwhile down there at the Anfield, Liverpool came off the blocks flying. Kuyt finding the net. Forget that it was a silly goal to award in the first place. I mean, who takes free kicks like that anyway? It seemed to be finally getting together for Hodgson. Then Darren Bent goes and turns the game on its head with a brace. Suddenly Liverpool are staring another defeat right into the face. Cranky cahones. But of course trust Stevie g to deliver that fairy tale stuff. Trademark goal, trade mark gerro celebration, trademark everything. Then down in London, even the more improbable happened, Tottenham effectively gave up fourth place and Avram grant lived to see anther day as Westham manager. Even Benny McCarthy didn’t look so fat.. That Portsmouth reject Frederic Piquionne, fired Westham into the lead. Of course an avalanche of Tottenham attacks followed but cranky cahones… Rob Green (not a typo ), yes the same Rob Green who has been such a laughing stock for all the media pulled of a string of the most unbelievable saves. Most notable was the save from Luca Modric’s sure goal. Westham won, Rob green stood in front of the press box and put a finger to his mouth, spurs said bye bye to champions league football unless of course they win it which case if it happens I will run around kla road wearing nothing but a mother’s union on  my head. Then come 2.p.m Sunday and we are all waiting for Manchester United to go one point behind Chelsea. But what do the blithering idiots that are the United defence do??? What do they do?? They concede 2 goals that even the ill fated Weavers of 2003 wouldn’t have conceded (BTW I was marshalling that defense). To say that Manchester United’s display was lethargic would be being too kind. In fact u could argue that Fergie slipped me a bottle of vintage wine under that table. But it was pathetic. Only saved by a moment of brilliance from Nani and a moment of pure surprise from Michael Owen. How he got on that header before every other Bolton player is beyond me. The guy is my height, seriously!! 30 minutes later at St James’ park and Newcastle united are playing the kind of football that would surely take them 5th in the table. Ben Afar was always threatening, Joey Burton was marvelous and that boy Tiote was proving be a real midfield King pin. 1-0 at half time to Newcastle. You could see no way for Stoke from the way they were playing. But then on came Roy Delap and his legendary throw ins that Wenger oh so wishes could be banned. Two throw ins resulted to corners which resulted in two goals one being an own goal and Stoke had beaten Newcastle at the park. I still think the boos were harsh though as Newcastle in my view produced the best display of the weekend. But then again like wenger and all his ill advised followers are beginning to learn, it’s the results that matter. Anyway, pestilence aka Chelsea remains top of the table. Bwoba onompa??? Anyone??

In formula One we were treated to the gorgeous Singapore track once again. I especially like the sight of the carbon fiber sparking as a result of the contact with the track. Mayhem started on Saturday when Ferrari were once again forced into an engine change when Massa’s engine gave way in Q2 effectively condemning him to the back of the grid. After Monza it was expected that while Ferrari would give Red bull a run for their money, red bull would no doubt over whelm the competition. In fact come Q2 and we were all just waiting for vettel to beat Alonso’s time and take pole. But one tiny winky error down turn 7 and vettel had to settle for second. Anyway come the race and we are expecting a cracker. And my word was it a cracker. First Vettel tries to take on Alonso at the start and Alonso manages to bully him into submission. By turn one Hamilton who had started fourth had skipped past his teammate button into third. On lap two meanwhile Massa pitted to give himself some clear air in which to run and make goodtime on all those ahead of him. The Ferrari strategy was simple, having a superior car and running against zero traffic, Massa would rack up some good lap times effectively pushing him into around fifth by the time the rest pit. Unfortunately for them the strategy was thrown out of the air when a safety car was called out two laps later. Massa was in traffic like everyone else and being on the harder option tire he couldn’t quiet chase down those on the softer compound. During this time many cars pitted. And of the top five only Mark Webber went in. It looked a crazy decision since he came back in 11th position. But none of the cars ahead of him had pitted, so, 10 laps later, it became apparent that when everyone came in to pit later, he would frog leap them all into third. And this was Hamilton’s undoing eventually. One safety car later and he found himself right on the back of Webbers car. Now any ardent formula one fan at his point knew that Webber had to get out there real fast or Hamilton was going to have a go at him. Also considering the red bull’s superior pace, Hamilton had to take his chance as soon as the safety car left the track. Better still for the young Brit, Webber had to maneuver past two slow cars that were being lapped. All this was unfolding on lap 36 meanwhile. As Webber was over taking the last of the two cars, he took his time about it and Hamilton decided to have a go at him in a typical daring Hamilton move that is also normally synonymous with stupid. Anyway, he looked to have passed the Red Bull driver on the outside heading into turn seven. But Webber tried to hold his inside line and clipped Hamilton’s left rear with his front right tyre. Hamilton was forced to ditch his McLaren while Webber continued unharmed. Then there was the Heikki Kovalainen moment going into the last lap. His engine caught fire. As simple as that. Good for him and everyone else, it was nearing the pit lane so he proceeded to pit. Just as he was entering the pit lane, his team ordered him to continue and finish the race. Now if that is no total disregard of common sense then I don’t know what it is. Any way, 20 meters later and the whole back of the car is on fire. 5 more meters and Heikki himself would have been on fire. We were atleast treated to the rare sight of a driver acting as fire marshal.

In the La liga, Promoted Levante had conceded ten goals in their opening four matches – the worst record in the Primera Division – but they held Madrid to a 0-0 draw at the Ciutat de Valencia to help knock Mourinho’s men off top spot. Apparently Ronaldo did not read my last article bcoz had he, he would have seen the not so coded message that effectively said that it is his selfishness costing Madrid goals and victories. He continues to shoot away instead of passing. Apparently the stench of  that new found Chelsea arrogance has gotten so strong that it has traveled all the way to the Bernabeau affecting the self built world’s greatest footballer. Did you know that Christiano Ronaldo whenever asked who the best footballer in the world is has never given a single definitive answer unless when the answer given is his own name?? nway, Barcelona won to go above real, while Valencia are top of the log once again. It will be interesting how they play against Manchester United in the champions league. After the way in which they dismissed Barca and having discovered that David Trezeguet now plies his trade there I was curious enough o see Hercules take on Sevilla. And cranky cahones, Trezeguet scored twice to give Hercules a 2-0 win. Hmm. It will be interesting where they finally end up on the log. BTW in the weekend’s edition of the La liga, David Villa and Antonio Reyes were red carded. Their teams went ahead to win but I still found it improbable. I bet you there was no one out there who had placed that bet.

Okay I have to go n earn this company some dime now. To all my boys tasting the bitter pill of jail courtesy of moments on misjudged ingenuity that saw you rob company coffers. The fuel prices are to blame. Oh, and listen to Mr. Money.


Denny Crane.


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here