Now that the dust seems to have settled and a semblance of normalcy appears to be returning to this beautiful country, allow me welcome you all from a wonderful several weeks of election euphoria. From the look of things, it appears it is now safe for us the scatterbrained individuals to begin making sense of what has been a truly comical and humorous election period.
Don’t get me wrong; serious things happened and are still happening – people voted, a winner was announced and some rejected the results; like the routine always is. Also the gorgeous Janet Museveni who I once crushed on gets another five years to be called the First Lady. That is a summary of what happened.
In the sum of all things however, this election period has provided more humour for the likes of myself than actual seriousness. There were way too many jocular and facetious moments for me to think of it as a very serious election.
That being said, I will be quick to add that as Ugandans we have learnt several lessons from this election period. And I will go ahead to share some of these lessons I have personally learnt.
Lesson 1 : Never Trust Crowds
If the election results had been announced solely based on the crowds that we saw in the papers and on TV, I doubt JPAM would have gotten a mere 1.4% of the votes cast. There were instances where JPAM had some really huge crowds. But all these individuals abandoned their man and opted for other things, some decided to dedicate their votes to the INVALID candidate who ended up getting a decent 4.6% of the votes cast.
Such back stabbing infidels!
And while still on the subject of crowds, after our friend KB was put under house arrest for the umpteenth time, not so many people hit the streets to demand that ‘their president’ be released. Someone might argue that people were busy taking their children to school. But after dropping your child off why not go down to Kasangati to show support for ‘your president’. And can you believe he was even denied his constitutional right of voting for the LC’s?
This can not and must not go unnoticed.
When crowds were being garnered during elections, Besigye’s crowds showed him with gifts and money. Well, where are they?
My friend KB, I will tell you this. When I was in high school, I once had a plan with some students to boycott the school meals because they tasted like a shoemaker’s abandoned leather. On the day of the boycott, 8 of my 10 friends were the first at the Dining hall at supper time.
People here abandon you in your time of need.
Lesson 2 : You can travel the world rather easily
For a number of days during the election period, I was able to travel the world – along with so many other lucky Ugandans. When the Government decided to shut down Social Media, it became incumbent upon social media addicts like myself to find a fix lest I get a seizure and start frothing from the edges of my mouth before dropping down and collapsing and/or fainting.
Through Virtual Private Networks (VPNs), I was able to travel from Moscow in Russia to Oslo in Norway and then to Toronto in Canada; all this within the space of a few hours. Without this election, I would have been restricted to this pathetic dusty and noisy country.
A few of my friends enjoyed strolls on the Streets of Paris, some threw back pint after pint of Guinness in Ireland while others were freezing in Iceland with nothing but access to the internet. A few others were lucky to enjoy sushi in Tokyo and then quickly dash to Manchester to be beaten by the rain. Basically, everyone was everywhere.
A big ‘thank you’ to the Government through UCC for allowing us to roam the world (internet Photo)
Lesson 3 : Anyone can start a career in Comedy; you just need a platform
With all due respect to our comedians in Uganda, I feel like the entire election period helped us uncover some hitherto unknown and undiscovered talents. Right from the campaign trail to the two debates and down to the final hours leading up to the election, Ugandans were treated to a bevy of rib cracking moments by each of the candidates. All one had to do was place a microphone in front of a presidential candidate and you would have enough content for an entire Saturday Night Live show.
Whether the candidate decides to break into song, refer to leopards, degenerate into a hilarious tirade, dress like a barren witchdoctor or simply wrestle with the English Language, you can always be sure that campaigns are never short of humour.
Let no Ugandan comedian shove old jokes down our throats when this election has provided them with numerous avenues for content. Get out there and give us some LOLs as you fleece us of our hard earned money.
Get on it!
Humorous presidential candidate Elton Joseph Mabirizi addressing a mammoth crowd (Photo Credit : monitor.co.ug)
Lesson 4 : As a Ugandan, you cannot afford to be colour blind
A story is told of an aspiring MP who was campaigning somewhere in Northern Uganda and he had to take off his Yellow Shirt and wear a Blue shirt before the crowd could allow him to say a word.
How on earth do you mistake Yellow for Blue? As a Ugandan, you are supposed to inherently know the difference between Yellow, Blue, Red, Green or that other colour that JPAM wore (which looks so sophisticated it probably has its own rainbow and spectrum of colours).
One should be careful what colours they wear lest they miss out on chunks of money and huge handouts simply because they are dressed in the wrong colours. Be careful what you wear; it could make or break your destiny. Or it could just earn you a beating as you walk around flashing funny party signs in places infested with individuals of a different colour preference.
White and gold or blue and black? (internet Photo)
Lesson 5 : The Basoga have suffered
One of the presidential candidates hailing from a rather awesome place known as Busoga decided to throw her people under the bus by re-echoing the stereotype that people from that side of the country begin to use their brains only after several decades of being on earth.
Very many Basoga did not take these comments well seeing as they have previously been blamed for many things ranging from Uganda’s being land locked, the lengthy rule of Mr. 1986, the fluctuating weather conditions and even the failure of the Cranes to win certain games. Basically, they are the scapegoat for many things.
As a person who studied in the Bugosa region for four years and as someone who has several friends from that area including an ex girlfriend, I vehemently go up in arms whenever someone insinuates that the Basoga are a tad behind in terms of mental ability.
The Basoga have really suffered!
Basoga Trumpet set (Photo credit http://www.kuveni.de/)
No, really, there is nothing final here. There are many more lessons that one should have learnt from this election but seeing as time, space and data will not allow, we shall share those in the next presidential elections.
“…they say if you don’t vote, you get the government you deserve, and if you do, you never get the results you expected.” ― E.A. Bucchianeri, Brushstrokes of a Gadfly
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter