How to win an election in Uganda

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I witnessed Besigye being tear gassed, kicked, tossed and bundled into a car like he hadn’t just run for the top office in this country. For some reason, I gave up the plans of leading this country in 2080 if this is what happens to candidates after they lose; Mbabazi is searching for those who took is alleged ‘money’, Kyalya has lost her mind and the girl in her exorcised, Mabirizi still thinks the election like the debate will have the second part but about all Bwanika forgot his way home hence found himself heading to Kenya. As all these thoughts ran through my head, I whispered to myself, why should it be this way when one can win? Look at Oulanyah for this matter; a cheat, divorced, ugly, lost but was still declared a winner. So below I share with you winning strategies.

Prepare a good manifesto 
Yes! The most important of all after all the other ways to win an election in Uganda is to promise people things they need the most; rain in dry season for instance, a barrel of oil in every homestead and lastly a promise to work with the community in a transformational – transactional – transnational way. Whatever you say should sound uncommon to the common man even if you do not know what it is.

Hire mathemuventicians* 
At the recently concluded elections, someone was rumored to have won in one polling station by close to 180% percent. I mean someone must really hate you that much if you fail this miserably. The good part, this irregularity was explained in the best possible way and the math added up and this is what you need to win elections-make the math add up. Your polling agents should be able to explain any backlash such as why you have votes from non-polling stations.

Change your looks to represent the change people want 
Sematimba did it and is on his way to parliament without any possible knowledge of what takes place there. Along the way he will probably drop his makeup only to resurrect it for the next election. This man was voted by a cross section of people, women thought they were voting a fellow woman, men on the other side thought they were voting a hot female and bingo-Parliament.
That campaign poster can make or destroy you, a case in point is Otafire who up to now has woken up from his sleep in his poster. Looking away from the camera will not help you either, it is a sign that you will turn your back on voters upon winning.

Finally in this category, learn to make use of Photoshop. Very few women this time complained of Besigye’s looks. The way someone made him look that way is unexplainable. There is a man in Gulu (not like it is relevant) whose campaign and real life likeliness are independent of each other. In his campaign poster he is almost as handsome as Obama, large ears inclusive but in real life, eh eh!

Not famous, no problem 
Are you scared that your to-be voters have no idea of you? Do not worry. A few months ago, no one in Gulu knew who their next MP was including the MP to be himself, Norbert Mao dressed him up in diapers although still he did not know what to do at this point, he smacked his a** and smeared his bald head with some sweet words and bingo! This bald almost clueless politician by baby-sitting is on his way to parliament. Like the miracles in the bible, it is also funny how politics works.
Well that was it, three things bound to get you on your way to any office. However If any of the above tactics fail, take it easy since ‘loser’ is also a position in the race, you can then move onto the next one which is Instead of whining, you pretend to disappear for a while and make it look like you were reorganizing yourself then stand again in the next elections and hope you get lucky this time like Prof. OgengaLatigo did.

 

Written by Alan Ochen<In his own words : “I am pretty good at giving relationship advice according to my friends. It may not be correct but if you ask me twice, I will definitely serve you. However, I think people should not get married” > Find more from him at http://alanochen.com

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